Truth Within the Lies, Guilt

     I lie. I probably lie an unhealthy amount. But there is truth within my lies. I always know what I mean and mean what I say, and if you don't know what I say then I'll enjoy watching you figure it out. If I say ABC, I may mean XYZ. Yes, this is a lie. Or is it? Maybe it is merely a metaphor. Because I doubt that you will understand XYZ, I substitute ABC in for the sake of simplicity. Lets make it a bit less alphabetical. Say you have never seen a pear before. I could spend fifteen minute explaining it to you, all of it's qualities, or I could just tell you it is a sweet apple. You could see this in many ways, as a lie, a metaphor, a form of description, or crazy talk. My intention with statements such as these is to clarify that object without directly explaining it - again, I suspect that this process would take time compared to just calling it a sweet apple.

     Also, it's my job here to do the descriptions. Tis part of the reason for this blog. The world must know how my brain turns! 

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     In addition to my obsession with lying, I can be rather vague in my statements. Now this is a legitimate problem of mine, being vague. (Am I spelling that right?) My vagueness has lead to the severe misinterpretations of statements that I have made. The lacking of words such as "in general" or "sometimes" may lead people to believe that I am one to stereotype, despite the fact that I do my best to avoid stereotyping and stereotypes. (My Little Pony Season 4 comes out in under 5 days, No Shave November is yielding a beard.) I can say one thing, but people get the wrong impression. If you read an earlier post of mine, I go into this in a little more detail about how people don't get my sense of humor or don't understand what I am saying (where I also rant about something that needed to by ranted about even though other may find it offensive. Again, if you are offended by it, my apologies, but it is my personal blog where I show my growth, development and maturing throughout time. So if you are offended by what I say, I will dismiss it as you misinterpreting what I say (since it is not intended to be offensive, yes this is a list of things to clarify upon within parentheses, I wrote a post about how I am offensive too, my little pun outside of parentheses was intentional.)

On a totally different topic (I was going to make a separate post about this, but I've been procrastinating on this topic forever so I might as well do it now), GUILT.

I feel so guilty about everything I say and do. Any and everything! I say something remotely unkind, I feel guilty for a year! I feel guilty about things I didn't do, or things I did when I was incapable of doing anything else. I feel guilty for insulting people on the internet even when I say I'm joking. I feel guilty for insulting people in real life, even when I'm joking! I feel guilty for lying! I feel guilty for making jokes, even if they were funny! I feel guilty for hidng the truth! Heck, I even feel guilty for making this post when I should be doing homework! I feel guilty for overusing exclamation marks! I feel guilty for feeling guilty even! How crazy is that???

But, as you may have noticed if you bothered to read that small list of things I am guilty for doing, I don't stop. Sometimes I just don't stop lying. I don't stop using exclamation marks. I don't stop making this post. I don't stop doing things I know I shouldn't do. And the only thing I can do to make myself feel better about this guilt train is talk about it with other people, which I feel guilty for doing even then. No, I am not trying to be "manly", but I hate doing it. And I feel guilty for the hate! It is endless, unstoppable, and I can never get over it without someone's help. But I refuse the help to my last breath. Going back to my lying, I lie about absolutely trivial matters that I don't care about. I lied about what I learned in school for absolutely no reason! I learned something in school and it would've been just as valid to say that, but for whatever reason I lied about it. And that makes me feel guilty. How is it possible for me to make it stop alone? I cannot ask anyone that, for I would be asking for help, which my subconscious refuses. I don't refuse help when it comes to something like a school project or whatever, but my mind is so stubborn about it's psychology, that it mustn't change despite the guilt that I go through every day. I say something rude to somebody's face and I regret it for a year. I made a snide comment about a kid I knew in sixth grade and I still feel guilt for it! I made a rude comment about somebody last year ON ACCIDENT, AND I APOLOGIZED FOR IT, and I still feel guilty about it today. If a method such as Confession worked, I would have to spend weeks confessing everything I feel guilty for. It's because of my damned standards. I have such low standards and expectations for everyone else, but not for me. So please, don't tell me to shut up here. This is the one place of confession, the one place where I can have a bit of self pity and not feel overly guilty for that. It is the little flame that keeps me alive in the Winter. But Spring is coming soon! I can feel it. (Know that I mean these seasons metaphorically, I know Winter hasn't arrived at the time of this post.)

And thats how Equestria was Made: I feel guilty about everything, I lie all the time, I pity myself too much.

And, as always, have a fantastically fabulous day.